Recognizing and Overcoming Coercive Control: Empower Yourself and Reclaim Your Story

Coercive Control – This Isn’t Love: Reclaim Your Power, Rewrite Your Story

Introduction

Imagine a partner who never raises their voice, never leaves a bruise—but somehow, you feel like the walls are closing in. Fun Friday night plans slowly disappear. Your favorite people? You “don’t really see them anymore.” Your opinion? Always “a little off.” Welcome to the confusing, silent world of coercive control.

This isn’t love. It’s manipulation dressed up as concern, control disguised as care. And it’s sneaky. Coercive control can worm its way into a relationship like glitter at a craft party—hard to spot at first, almost impossible to remove, and absolutely everywhere.

But—and we LOVE a good “but”—recognizing these patterns is the first step to booting them out of your life. So grab your metaphorical flashlight and maybe a snack, because we’re diving into what coercive control really looks like—and how to write a new chapter that stars YOU as the hero.

What Is Coercive Control?

Let’s Break It Down (No Decoder Ring Needed)

At its core, coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate a partner emotionally, mentally, socially—heck, sometimes even financially. Unlike physical violence, which is easier to spot and act on, coercive control operates in the shadows. It’s all about domination via manipulation, not fists.

Classic Moves From the Coercive Control Playbook

• Isolation: Cutting you off from people who love you, or who might say, “Hey, this seems unhealthy.”
• Gaslighting: Making you question your memory or sanity. (“That never happened.” Spoiler alert: it totally did.)
• Micromanagement: Policing your finances, whereabouts, clothes, texts—like a very un-fun hall monitor no one asked for.

“Control” Isn’t A Synonym for “Love”

Contrary to the rom-coms of the early 2000s, passionate jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of devotion. Real love celebrates your existence and gives you space to grow—not clip your wings till you can’t remember you had them.

If someone uses “I’m just really protective of you” as a cover story for controlling your choices, that’s not sweetness—it’s control wrapped in gift wrap and labeled “concern.”

Why It Hurts So Much (And What It Steals)

The Emotional Rollercoaster Isn’t Fun. At All.

If you’re in one of these relationships, odds are good that you feel like a human kaleidoscope—confused, disoriented, and dizzy. You may second-guess your every move. You may cry and not know why. That’s not drama. That’s trauma.

In fact, victims of coercive control often develop symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, or depression. According to the Canadian Women’s Foundation, emotional abuse can be one of the most harmful forms of violence—because it eats away at your inner world before the outer world even knows what’s happening.

Who Even Are You Anymore?

This kind of control doesn’t just hurt—it erodes. You might wake up one day and realize you don’t laugh like you used to, don’t care about what you used to love, or tiptoe through conversations that once felt easy. Your values, opinions, style, voice—poof.

That’s not because you’re “too sensitive.” That’s because someone slowly turned down the dimmer switch on your identity. Good news: you can turn it right back up. And maybe add a disco ball while you’re at it (your call).

How You Know It’s Happening

Red Flags That Deserve a Giant Banner

• Surveillance vibes: Your partner wants updates. Constantly. Who, what, where, why—even on what sandwich you ordered for lunch. (Spoiler: They don’t actually care about your BLT.)
• Zero autonomy: Every decision requires approval. Clothes. Jobs. Friends. Even pasta shapes. (Bowtie, if you’re wondering.)
• Gaslighting escalated: They rewrite or erase reality—your reality. “You’re overreacting.” “You’re imagining things.” Nope, nice try!

Feeling triggered just reading those? That gut feeling is valid. Trust it. Because you’re not “just being dramatic.” You’re recognizing the truth.

How You Take Your Story Back (With Some Sparkle and Swagger)

Step One: Name It to Tame It

There’s serious magic in saying the quiet part out loud. Calling it coercive control—or emotional abuse—strips off the shiny cover of “love” and shows it for what it really is: a well-crafted trap.

Dr. Evan Stark calls coercive control a “liberty crime”—meaning it steals your rights and freedom. But: crimes can be prosecuted, and traps can be broken. And polite Canadian society is finally starting to wake up to that truth (Stark, 2007).

Step Two: Find Your Circle and Speak Your Truth

• Therapy: Trauma-informed therapy or counseling can help you slowly rebuild your sense of self (and your sense of humor, too!).
• Support networks: Whether online or in-person, these groups create powerful validation. “Me too” has never meant more.
• Journaling: Write your truths. Scribble them. Doodle them. Stick them on your fridge. Your voice = your power.

Step Three: Hello, Boundaries!

Ah yes, boundaries—the barbed wire fence for emotional vampires. Start small, like deciding what topics are off-limits or who gets your time. Boundaries aren’t rules. They’re love letters to yourself.

Tell Your Story (It’s Braver Than You Think)

Sharing Is Healing (And Kinda Badass)

Once it feels safe, telling your story can be a seismic moment of personal power. Not for attention. Not for validation. But because your voice deserves an audience—even if that audience is your dog, diary, or a tea-loving support group.

You Might Just Save Someone Else’s Day

Your truth = someone else’s roadmap to freedom. Every time a survivor speaks up, the broom sweeps another layer of shame off the floor. And that, friends, is how we build change—one story at a time.

Continue Your Family Law Journey

Resources become a lifeline when you’re reclaiming your story from coercive control. They offer safety planning, trusted information, and a path to autonomy as you rebuild your voice and boundaries.

• Shelter Safe Canada – Find local shelters and safety plans.
• Canadian Women’s Health Network
• Call 211 or visit 211.ca for mental health and shelter resources available in your region.

Final Thoughts (And a Pep Talk)

Coercive control isn’t romance. It’s not protection. It’s not love. It’s manipulation, and it’s real. But you’re also real—and you are ridiculously resilient.

You get to rebuild on your terms now. Your joy doesn’t need permission. Your freedom isn’t negotiable. And your story doesn’t end in survival—it evolves into triumph.

You’ve got this. (And yes, you’re allowed to dance to Beyoncé while you figure it all out.)

Legal Note

This resource is for educational and empowerment purposes only. It is not a substitute for legal or professional mental health advice. If you are navigating legal issues related to coercive control or domestic violence, connect with a licensed family lawyer or frontline support organization.